So I’m looking at a photo my boss sends me of a gi-normous snake that apparently tried very hard to eat a gi-normous alligator before the alligator apprently woke up and tore the snake a new asshole (literally). Both creatures ended up dead, and what a mess.
I’m looking at this picture, thinking to myself “Damn, I will never set foot in the Amazon. That’s some seriously messed up shit.”
I’m watching the 11 o’clock news that night, and I see the same photo come up. I watch, transfixed, as the news anchor tries to convince me that this party occurred not in the Amazon, land of enormous prehistoric creatures, nor even in Africa, where big shit is simply par for the course. No, this apparently happened in the Everglades. The Florida Everglades.
As in, 10 miles west of where I live.
That’s kind of creepy. I go fishing there. And I don’t really watch for 20 foot freakin’ pythons. Guess I should start. According to this report, there’s a crazy infestation of enormous pythons in the Everglades thanks to those irresponsible fucking pet owners that think it’s oh-so-cool to own a pet snake (a pet snake? a pet fucking snake? Come on. What’s it gonna do, give you a big hug while you sleep?) but then they realize what a ridiculous notion it is to keep a cold-blooded reptilian creature for a pet, or (more likely) they realize that the amazingly badassed albino burmese python they bought grows to ridiculous sizes and you have to feed it small children or live chinchillas or fucking goats or something. Then they run out to their backyard, which happens to be a protected habitat, and dump said giant snake into the swamp. There it can continue to live and eat and grow unabated because it has no natural predators, and it can upset the delicate balance of an already endangered ecosystem.
Sounds like a great idea.
These are the same hosers that buy SUV’s for no practical reason beyond the fact that they’re trying to compensate for a less-than-average stature and feel insecure about it. Nobody has to haul 16 grown adults and enough groceries to feed them all for a month. Nobody. Nobody can say that a snake (or any reptile, for that matter) is a gratifying pet. Anybody who says otherwise is simply saying it to be contradictory. It doesn’t recognize you or feel gratitude for your tender ministrations. It will kill you as readily as look at you, especially if you’re small and inoffensive. Like a dog. Or a small child. Or a 12 foot alligator.